Betrayal by Unskilled Surgeons

How long will this ache in my heart remain? How deep is this wound? It burns on the inside just enough to remind me that it is still there.  Like a burn you receive from touching the oven racks. It is not going to stop you from carrying on with your day, but you still feel it.

Betrayal-  when you have trusted a friend with the deepest part of you and they have inserted the knife.

It is like slicing open your chest and exposing your heart. You were hoping for observation, but instead you received open heart surgery by unskilled hands. They have made the incision and have discussed with the assisting staff how they think ‘you have gotten yourself into this mess’. If you wouldn’t have done this or if you never would have said this, smoked that,you wouldn’t be in this predicament! The worst part of this is that all through the surgery you are well aware of their conversation!
You can hear everything that they are saying!
And when you come out of the anesthesia everything has changed…
The pain is still there
the scar is ugly
now there is ‘new pain’
                          Deep wounds require deep healing.

No human being on this planet can remove that kind of scar, wound, or pain.
No man or woman can erase those words you have overheard that have accused you or judged you.
There is only One.
My Father in heaven.

He won’t turn his back on me -ever!

He understands what it feels like to be betrayed by those who loved Him.

He won’t talk about me when I leave the room.

He has time for me – He listens with intent and keeps his eyes on mine.

God holds my head and shoulders above all who try to pull me down.

In desperation I throw myself at God, minute by minute, hour by hour I call out to Him. He is my warm cave to hide in, my safety, hiding me from my opposition.

“God’s eye is on those who respect Him, the ones who are looking for His love.
He’s ready to come to their rescue in bad times;
in lean times He keeps body and soul together.
We’re depending on God; He’s everything we need.
What’s more, our hearts brim with joy since we’ve taken for our own His holy name.
                          Love us, God, with all you’ve got-
                                   that’s what we’re depending on.”
                                                                               Psalm 3:18-22 (Message)
Now , I am in the recovery room after surgery. I refuse to allow the pain to steal my joy. I refuse to let the accusations and condemnation to sink deep to the core of who I am. God administered the drugs to help me through the pain.
His Percocet is extravagant love.

Is anyone crying for help? Does anyone else need His pain reliever?

His extravagant love is always available – no need to wait for the nurse.

“God is listening… ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, He’ll help you catch your breath.” Psalm 34:17-18 (Message)

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Ironed, buttoned up, and smelling good!

I am tired… worn out… exhausted… weary… this job is more than I can handle most days- even after a good night’s rest I feel like I fought a battle!

 

I am not physically sick or sick of my job, but I am exhausted from this parenting project!  This is tough stuff you don’t typically hear about.

 

People have tight lips and secret home lives.   Am I right?  No one talks about the hard stuff going on at home!  Most people typically want you to think that they have it “all together”.  On the outside they are ironed, buttoned up, and smelling good!     I know !   I’ve tried to cover up my own stink !

I’ve tried to be ‘Super Mom’ when my children were small.  Not asking for help because ‘I can handle it all’.

I have run myself ragged trying to  be what I want you to see.

In the years before I was blessed with children I imagined what it might be like to hold my own baby.  To look in their eyes and study their features to see who they might one day look like.  What I didn’t know was that would never happen… cancer struck at age 20.  My dreams of carrying a baby would be just that – a dream.  (great idea for another blog, right?)  Speed ahead to the year 1996- now I am holding someone else’s baby and dreaming a new dream.  (Another great idea for future blog) One that involves a charming and well- behaved child who never sasses me and who excels in school and tops the honor roll every year and is listed among the others in the local paper!

Well, well,well… You know what?  It is what it is!  Life… Swallow your pride and take a look in the mirror!  I needed to tell myself exactly what I tell my children today –

“You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit!”

Boy, does that sting!

All this examining makes me realize that God doesn’t want me to write about ‘fluffy’ stuff.

All gushy , mushy, and feel good blogs!  He calls me to be real and transparent. BUT, with joy, love, and to show perseverance  through it.  He wants me to show you, the reader, that HE is the reason that I can get out of bed and push through my day.  HE wants me to tell you that He is my place of refuge and where my strength comes from.

In the book of Isaiah, the prophet writes,

Why would you ever complain, O’ _________________(fill in your name) or whine, Israel, saying, “God has lost track of me.  He doesn’t care what happens to me”?    

Don’t you know anything?  Haven’t you been listening?  God doesn’t come and go.

God lasts.  He’s the creator of all you see and imagine.  he doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath!  AND, he knows everything, inside and out.

He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts.  For even young

people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall.  But those who

wait upon the Lord get fresh strength.  They spread their wings and soar like eagles

they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.

Isaiah 40:27-31 The Message

 

 

That’s how I do it –

HE refreshes me every morning after the battle the night before.

 

He reminds me of His love for me and my family.

 

He promises to forgive me when I make mistakes in this ‘parenting project’.

 

He asks me to plant the seeds and He will nurture and care for the plant.

 

He urges me to let go of the tight grip that I have on my children’s hands so that He can grab on and lead the way.

 

He wooes me to stay connected all day with Him – to watch for His presence – to keep His name on my tongue – ready to praise Him or defend Him.

 

Did you know that God has something to say about every aspect of our lives?  The way we feel and act in the privacy of our own hearts and home, the way we spend our money, the politics we embrace, the struggles we endure, the people we hurt, and the people we help.

Nothing is hidden from God.

Nothing escapes Him.

I imagine that I will never be on a billboard that reads ‘World’s most fantastic Mom’ but, I hope to live a simple life of faith and obedience that defies what the world admires and rewards!

God is more real to me every day and just for today I will wait for His fresh strength and lean on Him.

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Trusting…

Trusting…

“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  When you call on me and pray to me, I will hear you.”  Jeremiah 29:13

        from another version of the same passage…

“I know what I am doing.  I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.  When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.  Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.”  (Message)

Trusting becomes about letting go, doesn’t it?  Letting God be in control- not you. This is so difficult, but not impossible.  It takes practice.  It becomes a discipline. The first line says, “I know what I am doing.”  And we want to disagree right away!  ‘Do you really, God?  ‘Cause it doesn’t feel like it!  If you only did it MY way!’  So, he lets us do it our way.  He lets us make mistakes, rage in anger, and fall on our faces.  Because that is what it takes sometimes for us to finally surrender.  Well, fortunately He waits patiently for us.  Wooing us to Him for comfort, peace, and strength.  He will show up and take care of you as He promised and bring you back home!

That happened for us two weeks ago.  My son returned home!  ( You can read more about how this happened on previous blogs.) He hit a turning point in his young adult life.  It was not something we said or did to make this happen.  We just kept trusting God.  Knowing He has perfect timing.  I did let go… And it was so difficult.  I stopped asking questions that alluded that I didn’t trust him.  I just let God do His work.  I know I was judged by people and I am sure that I was discussed in small circles.  That is just what some humans do, gossip!  The enemy was constantly trying to make me feel like I was a horrible parent. The battle in my mind sometimes was overwhelming.  The Holy Spirit reminded me that I was doing the right thing.  It was anguish and anger vs peace and strength all day long!

I would like to share a passage with you that beckons me to trust.  Maybe it will do the same for you.

“Your salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.  Your strength will come from settling down in complete dependence on me – the very thing that you’ve been unwilling to do…”   Isaiah 30:15-17(Message)

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The Queen of Excuses

Flawed… but, loved by the Father November 11, 2013

So… here I am finally writing.  He said to me this morning … if you write I will give you the words.

So many excuses…

“What do i have to share?”  “My life is just a mess, how is that inspiring?”

“It will just sound like a bunch of whining…”  “I am not a professional writer?”

“The kitchen counters are a mess, I must rush out there and clean them off!”

“First, I will take Josie out for a six mile run… then I will write.”

It goes on and on, trust me! I am the queen of excuses!  

It’s raining outside, which means I don’t have to rake the leaves or carry in wood today. So write!

Well, my oldest son is on my mind today.  I kicked him out two weeks ago.  I didn’t hear from him for a week and a half, but last Friday he contacted me.  My fears relieved!  He wasn’t on the streets or sleeping on the picnic table behind his school (like he was a few weeks before this).  I should give you a brief background… He is 17 ½ and wants to be ‘An Adult”!  He has ran away 4 times over the last year. Apparently, I am holding him back from the kind of guy he wants to be. If I would just not care so much what he does or doesn’t do then he would flourish into the man he desires. His appetite is for anything that the world offers him.  I don’t need to expose you to all the ugly words and things that transpired into his leaving but, know this- it was U-G-L-Y!!

Our pastor gave us a book on wednesday , ‘Prayers and Promises for worried parents- hope for your prodigal- help for you’ by Robert J. Morgan.  It is a devotional book written by a parent who understands.  In his foreward, God spoke to my heart.

          A dear, sweet friend of mine has had nothing but trouble with his children.

          In my estimation, he has been the perfect parent who provided them with

          everything they needed to grow up and do the right thing, but every one of

          them, in one way or another, took a wrong turn.  He grieved over them and

          disciplined them and set proper boundaries with them.  After years of cleaning up after their messes and making the best of the             worst situations, some of his prodigal kids came home and some of them did not.  From all appearances, his heart was broken               over these prodigal kids.  But, through it all, his love for them did not falter.  To all of us who know him, he is a great example of             how to deal with our children when they go the way of the world.  He wrote a book about his experiences and it has become a               bestseller. My sweet friend is Jesus and, of course, His book is the Bible.1.

I began to sob.

How did I not think of this? I am crying even as I write this to you.  God is so aware of my pain.  He has been where I am and is experiencing what I am experiencing right now! I can think of so many examples in the Bible of ‘good people’ who screwed up and tried life against God’s direction! Adam, Eve, Moses, Solomon, David, etc.

They were all flawed, but loved by the Father. Regardless…

He understands.

My son is currently staying in a home where a lovely, kind, and compassionate Christian grandma lives. I would rather have him home with me, but this will be fine. God says, “Trust me, Melinda. I know what I am doing. I am God, you know!” I look for glimmers of hope, and this is my most current glimmer. Not the type of home that my husband and I thought he would end up in.  So, hope glimmers. Did you know that?

I ache over my son’s total disregard of my love and care for him. I grieve over this last and final year of high school when I thought I would teach him the skills to survive out in the BIG world.  I miss his dirty socks and the tracings of his existence in the living room where he resides. I miss the sound of his voice and yes, even his smell. Scary huh?

The author of this book urges me to move beyond my normal and to love him as he is. Rebellious and disobedient. Confused, bruised, and broken.  He prompts me to simply ‘Grieve the loss of the child you thought you had and begin to love the one you actually have. You simply must move beyond what was and what might have been and move onto what is and what is to be for this lost, confused, broken, and bruised child of yours.’

God says in John 16:32,33:

“I’ve told you all this that in trusting me, you will be unshakeable and assured, deeply at peace.  In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties-but, take heart! I’ve conquered the world!

I will rest in His peace … trust in His promises … and look for the glimmers of hope.

Flawed, but loved by the Father

Melinda

1.Morgan, Robert J. Prayers and Promises for worried parents- hope for your prodigal- help for you  (New York, NY: Howard Books, 2003, p. xvii)

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Here’s to new beginnings!

Do you believe in God-given dreams? The kind that about every few years you wonder… ‘should I have listened to that small still voice that whispered to me to take a new avenue or risk?’  That is how I have been feeling lately.

Well, many years ago, (I am getting old!)  I dreamt of writing a book. I was snuggled up in a leather chair in front of a roaring fire, drinking my favorite beverage (COFFEE!!) and typing away in a cabin in the woods.  How funny… as I sit here tonight I am sitting on a leather couch in front of a roaring fire and typing away!  (Minus the coffee- since it is 7pm) And, my house is not a cabin but, I am in the woods!

Throughout my life God has directed me in the ways that He wanted me to go. I haven’t always listened. But His constant pursuing leads me back to His paths. It has taken me over 25 years to publish any of my writings!!  How stubborn I can be!  Anyone else?  If I could’ve had a clearer picture of my face in that dream I probably was an old lady in that leather chair.  Or was it a rocking chair? Ha! Maybe the reason that it has taken me so long to do this is because I needed years of experiences, failures, mistakes, joys, and stories!  So … I begin.

Here’s to new beginning’s!

Cheers!

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